animenrock

I've been thinking a lot lately, about how i got to this point in my life. What i have done in the past and what I'm going to do in the future.

I've come to a point in my life where everything i thought is a lie. I thought i wanted something, i thought i wanted to be somebody. In life that's all there isn't it? But why? I'm one of those people who questions it. The big question. Why were we put here on Earth? Humans, animals, living creatures. Half the world believes in God(s). God(s) made us and so we were born. The other half believes in the science. Evolution. We were created from some smaller, inferior species to what we are now. I'm not sure what i believe. My family is very religious. So they believe in God. Catholics. At some point, i thought that was what i believed. I'm not going to lie. I have spent a good part of my days believing in Him. Talking to Him, asking for guidence. And it helped. But i was also a believer of science. How did God make humans? We couldn't of just appeared out of thin air. It seems like a little kid's fairy tale. And yet there are people out there, who believe just that. Grown ass people. I'm not trashing God. That's not the point of my post. My point is how can someone believe in two different things that contradict each other? Believing in God is a fantasy. He's just there to make us feel better. To give us hope, when there isn't any. And yet, i do belive in God to some degree. So if it makes me feel better by talking to Him, than i'm going to do it. But i also believe in the science. How can i believe in both? My family thinks i'm crazy when i mentioned i don't think i believe in God anymore. Because afterall, i was raised a Catholic, went to church like a good Catholic should. But as time went on, i stopped believing. And when my family asks, lets go to church, i say no. They say why. I say.....i'm not ready. They laugh and make jokes. Like will i burn if i enter? I laugh and shrug my shoulders, mumbling a maybe. In reality, i don't think i belong. I don't believe, so why should i step foot in a place of worship? My family will never understand. So does it sound like i'm contradicting myself? I think so. I believe in God only when it's convinent. Is that breaking some law? Frankly, i don't care. I wasn't put on Earth to follow society. I was always a rebel. Breaking the rules, not caring. Is there any person that's going to convince me otherwise? Hell no. My mom thinks i'm crazy because i don't care. Then she says i'm like my father. My father doesn't care about anything. So does that mean my father and I have similiar ideals? I want to talk to him about it but my father and I haven't been close. Between my mother and father, i'm more like my father. I know this. We talk the same, we both are laid back, have no regard for rules, don't care about anything...hell we even walk the same! I have accepted a long time ago that i am my fathers daughter. But i can not cross that line and ask him about life. I came dangerously close one night. New years eve 3 years ago. The last year we were going to spend as a family and i didn't tag along. They left without me, then my father comes back and we talk. To this day i can't remember exactly what we spoke about. But i told him how i felt about everything. He didn't judge me. He listened. But it wasn't enough for me to say everything. After all, i was a teenager. Crying as i was trying to get the words out. Emotional, stupid wreak. I'm not a teenager anymore and i see everything around me
clearly. But no one sees me. I just want someone to understand me. Someone who doesn't question why i do the things i do, why i say the shit i say....and most of all, know why i don't give a shit about anything. But no one does and no one ever will. Now i have to just accept it.

For a long time now, i have been fascinated with 二宮 和也. I don't think it's the same as it is with 亀梨和也. With 亀梨和也, i feel adoration. I admire him very much. But with 二宮 和也, i am more attracted to his intellect, his brilliant acting, what i'm trying to say is, he is very admirable. I don't think i have ever come across anyone that i praise so highly. Hence, my slight confusion.

I remember thinking 二宮 和也 was just some punk kid. I first saw him act in Stand up. I watched it mostly for 小栗 旬, but i also liked 山下 智久, and 成宮 寛貴. But for 二宮 和也, let's just say i ignored him completely lol. Along came 嵐 and bam! 二宮 和也 overshadowed 松本 潤. Which is weird because i came to know 嵐 because of 松本 潤. Well, i read interviews about Nino and his way of thinking intrigued me. He has such a different view on things that's unlike an idol. He made me want to know him better and what better way than his acting? After all, he won the Galaxy award, a first for a Johnny's and praised for being a Hollywood actor. Now, i  watched Letters From Iwo Jima, twice. Once, when it first came out and then another time on tv. I didn't know Nino then. Knowing that he played the lead actor, i watched it again last night. His performance in the film..............it just left me speechless. I'll comment about Iwo Jima in a few. I want to say what movie i first saw im in. I saw Ao no Honō and he just..blew me away. I respected him as an actor and i wanted to see more of his acting. I began to seek out more films to see. I saw the Door to Door SP. That was another one that left me speechless.  It was a little hard to take, seeing him protray a person with cerebral palsy. Everytime he cried, i cried. His characters determination, was incredible. I know it was based on a true story and i think he protrayed the guy perfectly. That drama was so moving and my admiration grew. Next was Iwo Jima, which i saw last night. I was glued to the film. I couldn't take my eyes  off it. I love war movies and Nino in one, was a major plus. He was so....i don't know the right word but he left me speechless again! I couldn't believe it actually. I always get drawn into actors or singers but it's mostly for their looks or voices and their personality. 亀梨和也 is a perfect example of that. I fell for his looks, his voice, his integrity and i adore him. He's my ichiban. But i think that's just me fangirling over him. With Nino, it's on a deeper level. I don't think he even can be compared to Kame. With Nino, it was more for his acting and unique view on life that drew me towards him. Unlike those other idols. With kame, i would want to watch everything he's in, varity shows, news programs, music shows, segments on news, everything! A total fangirl. But Nino, i read his interviews to find out his views on certain topics. I am attracted to his words. I seek out the films he's in because i am attracted to his acting. I don't know what else to describe it besides complete admiration. I  was thinking about this last night after watching Letter from Iwo Jima. So that's why i posting about him.

장근석;張根碩....i remember saying at first he was scary to me lol. But then i fell for his charm. Well....i'm fangirling again because i've been watching almost every film he's in lol. What did i watch first...? Baby and Me! What a funny movie. Cute and funny and he was cute in it. Next i saw was Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do. Man, that movie was so angsty! But it also made me see him for the actor that he is. His character goes into such a transformation and that made me think, wow, this boy can really act! He was born the same year as me but i'm older by 7 months! It was really atonshing. Anyway, after that i saw The Longest 24 Months. He wasn't a main character, a bit disappointing but he was still a cutie in it lol. So maybe i am just attracted to his looks lol. But what else is new? So it made me want to see something that he acted  beautifully in. I heard Hong Gil Dong is really, really good so i'm going to give that a shot.  That and Hwang Jin-I. I can't really remember which one but i'll watch both! I'm still getting use to Korean. I always liked Korean but the words and language are obviously different from Japanese but it's easier to understand than Thai language. *shrugs* At least to me. Anyway! Yea......i have a three day weekend and so i'll start it off by doing hw. *sigh* i hate school damnit. Scratch that, i hate this semester cuz last semester was good and i know next semester will be great. I'll stop taking Economics and Math. Yosh! ^_^

Ok so today, well yesterday since it's 3AM......i finished watching Time of Dog and Wolf and You're Beautiful. Time of Dog and Wolf.....the ending was disappointing. But i really, really liked it. Kang Min ki was my favorite! I liked how after his father past away he totally broke down. Well....not liked but his acting ability really showed. That's what i meant! That drama disappointed me cuz i hoped Soo Hyun would have died in the end. It would have been fitting i think. And Ji Woo just totally pissed me off for like the last 5 episodes to the point i hoped someone would just shoot her already. BUT! All in all, it was a good drama and it held my attention til the very end.

You're Beautiful was funny as hell. Had me laughing at Mi Nam's clumsiness and Hwang Tae Kyung's total command over everything. I admit, Hwang Tae Kyung scared me in the beginning with his looks as well with his attitude but he completely won me over the more i got into it. But i liked Kang Shin Woo from the very first episode. He was indeed charming and not to mention good looking. The thing i found interesting about this drama was the soundtrack. I don't think i have ever liked any drama's soundtrack. Anime excluded cuz music and anime go hand and hand i think. But You're Beautiful actually had me looking for the soundtrack after i finished the drama. The music is just really good and i would find myself humming some songs. I was already getting into Korean music thanks to DBSK but now i think i'm going to start looking for artists now. *sigh* Why do i always have to find a new fandom to look into?

I already have Coffee Prince and Shinning Inheritance lined up to watch. This is really going to have me look into Korean dramas more. Another fandom! School starting on monday and i want to say i hope i will have time to watch these dramas but i know i will have time cuz i always make time to watch something.

Arashi......why did i just discover My Girl when it was released a couple months back? I'm totally in love with the single that i have to hear it everyday.....much like Bandage except Bandage stays on repeat for a good 4 or 5 times lol. But seriously, Arashi has got me under their spell and i guess i have no one but me to blame in getting into another pop group. I watched the Gazette's live yesterday and it made me miss the hell outta them. J-rock in particular. Has J-pop really taken over my brain? I hate to admit it, but yes! All i hear lately is J-pop and it's kinda scary so i'm going back to my roots. Dir en Grey lol. Just go all out rock starting from tomorrow!

I should be going to sleep......but i'm not sleepy. So im going to watch the funniness that is Arashi. I can always count on them to make me laugh

Once in a blue, you stumble upon a good drama that will leave you in tears, Happy, smiling, sadness. There was only one drama that made me feel so many different emotions. That was One Litre of Tears. And now i stumbled upon another one that i just finished watching, Smile. Just finished watching it, with tears still staining my cheeks as i type this. That was such a good drama. Made me smile definitely but also made me cry. Lots of times. Everytime MatsuJun cried, i cried along with him. Not because he's such a good actor, which he is. But because
of the circumstances in which caused him to cry. Such a highly recommended drama.

Friendship.

That is what has been on my mind alot lately. I read a magazine.......that i can't remember for the life of me with Akanishi Jin. He was asked to put in order friendship, love, and work. He answered love, friendship, work. Without hesitation. Which, if anyone knows Jin, knows that's pretty obvious. But it made me think. which order would it be for me? And that  would be work, love, friendship. Work because without it, there's nothing else right? Unless you born a millionaire, everyone has to work sometime in their life. And for me, work is something i always take pride in. Which is the reason i'm in school right now, to get my dream job. Work is everything. That's what drives me. Now, friendship and love is sooo down the scale that i hardly don't even want to consider it.The only reason i put love second and not friendship is because of the love of my family. My family comes first. I always think about my family and always will. I love them whole heartedly. Friendships on the other hand..i always said friendships are important. And they are. More important than a love for your lover because lovers will come and go but friendships will always remain. I have said this for years and i think to some degree i still think this. Who do you go to when things go bad with your lover? Your friend. They're suppose to be there for you no matter what. Now i'm not going to deny i had some great friends in the past. But i noticed something. I have a habit of unconsciously pushing people away. I don't notice it until my phone is not ringing constantly like it usually does. And i find myself reflecting on it. Anyone i know can easily say, i'm a private person. A loner if you will. It's true. So it doesn't bother me when my 'friends' are not hitting me up. But i do often wonder if it's because i push them away. I said i do this unconsciously because i'm always the one calling, i'm always the one texting and frankly, i hate it. So i would stop abruptly and not bother anymore. I need my space and talking to someone all the time is annoying. So why then do i find myself glancing at my phone from time to time? Is it because i don't want to be alone? No. It's because there are some things i would like to talk about to someone, anyone and there is no one. Everyone of my 'friends' are really acquaintances. A friends is defined as someone you can trust, you are attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. I don't have that with anyone. An acquaintance is just someone you know. Yes, i know so and so but i don't trust  them. I don't have any feelings toward them and if i don't speak or see them ever again, I could care less about it. So my phonebook is filled with acquaintances. Trust doesn't come so easily with me. I have problems regarding trust because of a so called friend betrayed me in the past. I don't think i told anyone about it. Only probably Jennifer cause she was the one who told me.....but no one knows the story about why i don't trust people or the fact why i don't have many friends. That one person who i trusted, my friend, betrayed me. Well i'm not going in to details but you can say it left a permanent scar on me. The reason i'm writing about all this is because i've been thinking alot. About friendships. I spoke to Chris. As expected, mad. Mad to the point in not wanting to confront our feelings about the situation. But we worked it out like adults and we ended up talking for hours, just catching up mostly. And talking about trust. We both don't trust people because a person betrayed us both. So i guess it's not so uncommon that people get betrayed and that betrayal sticks with you whether you like it or not. I haven't spoken to A. Pushing her away, like usual. But i still think about her, wondering if she's ok. She....is going into surgery soon and i pray everything will go alright. Friend...? Yea i guess. I care about her, love her as a friend but.....friends is not what we are. At least in my head. She just uses me. she only calls me for favors. when she wants something. but then i think why do i have her number repeated over and over, page after page in my phone statements? If she only wanted something, we wouldn't be talking all day, every day. So what did i do? I pushed her away. Out of frustration, out of fear. In the simple fact that i don't want to get close to another human being without getting hurt. Pushing people away is my defense mechanism. I noticed that today. When i was reflecting on friends. I ended up dialing M's number. Cuz even though she drove me completely nuts, she didn't do anything to betray me as a friend. She been with me since high school, polar opposites who happened to befriend each other. I wanted to talk, to catch up, to see how's her new life and tell her about my new life. But it seems she cut off her phone. or at least changed her number. She was one of those few people who knew everything  about me. I mean EVERYTHING. She been with me through tears and happy times and definitely helped me through the rough times. I wanted to talk with her. I still do so i prayed she still has her email cuz i emailed her and anxiously await her reply. A friend......is that what she is to me? Another person i tried called was E but her number was...cut off as well. I took it as a sign. To reflect on friendships again. Because if they were my friends as they claimed to be, wouldn't they give me they're new number? *sigh* I'm not good with people and I'm not good at expressing myself. So maybe i'm going about everything all wrong.

This has become another long post. I've been thinking too much with all this time i've been having. I hate it. I wonder if that's why my headaches have returned. I haven't thought so much since i still lived in NY. Have to stop thinking. This is where dramas come in. Oh! I just dled the first episode of this drama to see how it is. I should watch that. It's still early, 2:50AM. My insomnia has returned also. I blame it all on my thinking.

My cds arrived! Very happy. I've been listening to them like its the very first time i heard the songs. Very nice feeling. I'm currently listening to Yamapi's single and it kinda makes me sad that after After the Rain, Me doesn't play. And Moonlight. Ah, i forgot Run From You. Those three songs are really nice and it sucks that they were sold out. In every fucking website that sells Japanese cds too! Well, not a total loss, at least i purchased my first Johnny's cd. Bandage and Loveless. Don't regret it one bit. Btw, when is my phone strap coming...?



Jin is sexy on the cover. I showed my mom and she said girl. I was totally shocked! Here i thought Akanishi Jin was like one of the most manly looking Japanese men around. Guess i was wrong. But now i'm determined to find a manly looking Japanese man to my mom to show her that they are not girls. Nope, not at all.

Started watching the quiz show. First time watching Sho kun act. He's very funny. It's like watching him on the variety shows he usually does, like Shukudai kun. Makes me want to watch Yatterman now. And i will! Probably whenever my hard drive decides to come back to me.
Maya Miki is also on the show! Love her acting. But what surprised me the most about this show is Yokoyama Yu. He's a strange character. I think he's the only Idol that i know his name, what group he's in, what he looks like, but have never seen any of his works or heard him sing or know anything about him! Very strange. But like i was saying, he surprised me. I've heard people comment on how he's a very good actor and this show, although i think limits him on his acting ability, has shown some promise. He is entertaining to watch and i think i've just added him to my long list of idols i should get
to know about. The Quiz Show.....I'm on episode 4 now and i think it's a repetitive drama. Already on the 2nd episode i thought this. A person comes on the show and everyone has a different background but they all get exposed to their 'crimes' or 'sins'. It's fun to watch i guess, but not something i would watch twice. Reminds me on episode 3, the guest was Hiroki! Now i know i was raving about Yokoyama but Hiroki, hands down, stole that episode. He's such a great actor and i love how he be playing bad guys lately. In the Quiz Show, the first episode
of Tokyo Dogs, when i saw him in those two shows i smiled like a fool. He really is a great actor and i always enjoy watching him. Can't wait for Bloody Monday 2. J!

I really want to go back to school. It will give me something to do. It's boring being home. I like being at home but i wanna get my degree fast so i can go back to NY. It makes me think sometimes why i want to go back. Yes, i love NY. Yes, i love being in Manhattan. But is that the only reason? I got it good here. Going to school, getting my degree, everything practically given to me. I'm grateful. Really grateful. If i didn't suck in my pride and left NY, i would still be there a bum. And i would have hated myself for it. Coming to Florida, it gradually grew on me. I don't love it! Hate it in fact, being here. But I've learned to tolerate it. I've learned that it's best for me to be here and i don't regret being here. That's what it means to grow up. *shrugs* or so I've been told. Coming here has changed me....for the better? Not sure. But i do know my mentality has changed. I can see my future, when before it was all dark and cloudy. Now, i can see what i wanna do, and where i wanna go. What I'm going to do next and what path to take. I guess, that's positive huh? Truth is i wanted to continue my studies here in the future in Florida. It's cheap, tuition i mean. And i can continue staying with my mom. My presence here has made her happy. And until my aunt comes out here to live with her, i don't want her to be alone. But does that mean i should postpone my studies? Certainly not. I found a school. NYU. To get my MBA. It's a scary thought. The classes, scary. But i know it's the only school I've encountered so far that has caught my interest. I'm picky you see, when it comes to everything. It's still a long way off. Another year to be exact. But i like to plan ahead when it comes to my future and
i want to go to NYU and stay in a dorm. It has always been a small dream of mine to stay at a dorm. Away from family and just experience a whole new situation. But living with another person, to live in the same room.....i would hate it. Something to get over for the sake of
education. I'm not saying it's going to happen 100%, but it's something I'm going to look into.

Wrote another long entry. Lot's of things has been swimming in my mind lately. This is only 1/4 it. Oh i have to call Chris. Shit, definitely going to get yelled at. Haven't called in weeks

So.....school's out and I recieved my grades. Business B, Management B, Law B, Economics C. I'm very lucky to have gotten a C in Economics because i failed every test and every quiz. So how did i manage to squeeze out a C? I aced every essay given to me. Those essays saved my life. I'm so glad i love writing and i always got A's in everything i write. Not that i'm bragging. XD

I have my schedule for January and it's not going to be a walk in the park. If i thought i studied too much for this term i was seriously mistaken. But My good friend A told me not to sweat it and she's right. like always.

Been watching Jin, ohitorisama, Tokyo Dogs, and Samurai High School. Damn, that seems like alot lol. Jin i think has more 3 episodes left before it ends and i'm totally hooked on that drama. Never before have i seen a drama where i didn't know any of the actors but the plot seemed so interesting, I had to watch it and it did not disappoint me XD ohitorisama obviously watch it cuz of Koike, and he is just too cute in that drama, and overall, it's pretty funny. Tokyo Dogs, my main man Oguri Shun. I just love him. He's so hot in the drama and his protrayor of an elite cop is just awesome. Crows Zero paid off well for his fight scenes in the drama and you can tell he knows exactly what he's doing. As with his acting, it's simply brillaint. Hiro.....is an added bonus. He's funny even if he can't act lol. But he balances Oguri's
character well and them two together is fun and smart. Samurai High school......i wasn't sure about watching. But it has an interesting story and Miura Haruma is in it and he's just wow. I loved his acting in Bloody Monday and that's how i knew him. I didn't know
anything else but i decided to give this drama a shot and it's soooo funny. Shirota Yuu is in it as well and while i wasn't a big fan of him, he just wins so much points with me in this drama. He's cute with his shyness and i know he can't be like that in real
life with friends like Jin, Ryo and Pi lol. Anyway, it was a surprising drama and i like it.

Now for the new year, it brings much, much excitment. Not in my boring life but tv lol. Bloody Monday 2!! Yes! I was so missing Hiroki in a drama and now i can get to see him! I just saw a cm and he has silver/grey hair and it looks great on him. But then again, so does everything lol. Code Blue 2! I loved the first season and Pi being a cold, brilliant doctor was just! A nice change in his romantic drama that was aired in the summer. And for kame.............................................................................that's what i'm most excited about. Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge aka wallflower, was funny as hell. I read the manga and i would just laugh and laugh and laugh. Now, people saying he was miscasted....*sigh* honestly i don't want to talk about that again. I posted my opinion on it somewhere in LJ and it hasn't even aired yet! At least wait until the first episode to air to start talking shit about him. I really don't even know why they do that. He's a great actor and just whatever. They won't spoil my mood that kame is in a new drama!

As for RL, hmmmmm......i been trying to convince A to visit me. And she is for spring break. which is cool. Too far in my opinion but whatever. But i shouldn't rush things, ne? About A.............i still don't know what's up with that. I mean, we talk mostly everyday and she tells me i make her laugh. She's constantly laughing at everything i say and its not even funny! Sometimes i wonder if she has feelings for me but i don't want to get my hopes up. I....... think i still like her but then again, i know i always will. I hate admiting my feelings tho. It's too hard. So i'm not going to say anything and i know she won't either. Sucks but it is what it is. I'll just continue with what we been doing.....flirting. Also sucks but it seems like the both of us is not going to step up to the plate. *sigh*

More good news! I just recieved confirmation! My order shipped today! What did i order? Lands Bandage, Yamapi's Loveless and Dir en Grey's Hageshisa to, Kono Mune no Naka de Karamituita Shakunetsu no Yami. I've been listening to the those singles non stop and it was really cheap so i decided why the hell not? I was kinda sad tho cause i wanted to get Dim scene and Break the Records concert DVD but it was sooooo much. Too much for me who's unemployed. BUT! I already made a promise to myself to get a job for the new year, at least try too, so i will definitely be getting those DVDs. Yay to buying Japanese music again lol.

Today i watched Best Artist. Now.....i'm a huge fan of KAT-TUN (obviously) but their performance was terrible. They weren't in sych at all. Hell, i think NEWS did a better job then them. I still love em tho even tho i didn't like their performance. Arashi on the other hand, stole the show! Now those guys, danced so good and sang beautifully. They were just amazing and KAT-TUN should take notes on their sempais! lol. Anyway, just wanted to put my opinion on that. I still have a ton of shit to watch, which i'm going to do now since i'm kinda bored. I should watch Jin! They just released a new episode. It's getting more and more exciting! Which reminds me......i ordered the Bandage phone strap from that LJ user......i wonder when i'll be able to get in touch with them. It's been sold out everywhere and if they don't have anyore, i'll be seriously disappointed..................

Ok so i saw kaiser_storm LJ and she did this picspam of Sho. It looked like fun and she said i can do it too so here i am giving it a try! My ichiban is Kamenashi Kazuya. It was to be expected since the first time i saw him, he captured my heart. lol. Just don't tell him that Jin is seeming to take up mind nowadays lol. Kame ur my #1! Ok, enought talking shit. I got these pics from various sources and i don't claim them. Credit to whoever. Now, let's go!
( My ichiban )

Tagged by kawaiikame

A. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
B. Tag seven people to do the same.
C. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it".

#1 Stick my tongue out for no reason (blame Jin and Yamapi!)
#2 Tend to space out alot which causes me to bump into random things
#3 I wanted to be a singer when i was younger (shock!)
#4 I get really grumpy when it's early in the morning or when i haven't eaten
#5 Even though i give out a 'i don't care' vibe, i get really happy when complimented
#6 I talk to myself all the time, sometimes in Japanese
#7 *thinks* i'm secretly in love?

I tag :
nori_chan412 , happypurinsu , fenery , bonniexbou , hyde_my_dreams , kk_me , silent_jing

I don't have many friends so those that i tagged, I'm sorry!

My oldest friend i can say confidently is Jennifer. I grew up with her and throughout the years we've lost contact and then get it back, only to lose it and then regain it. But right now, i'm in contact with her and she and I are not that close anymore. I think she is the only one of my friends that i've known for soooo long because everyone else i have on my contact list is 5-6 yrs going.

Dir en Grey in 2008. It was memorable to me because i got to see each one of them up close and personal, shake their hands and get their autographs. That was the best day of my life, seeing the band that i love, respect, admire and adore.

I think it depends on the person. Cuz we all human beings and woman cheat, just like men cheat. Who knows on actual numbers. As for the second question........................i've kissed people and not told anyone else. I wasn't in a relationship so i don't see a problem in kissing people and no i would not tell my best friend or even friends. Some things i just don't tell others.

So my week with Luecretia came to an end yesterday. I neglected to go on LJ because i didn't want to be rude towards her and we weren't at the crib much anyway. We went to Busch Gardens, Aquatica and Magic Kingdom. I feel like we went to more places but yea....that's pretty much it lol. We haven't seen each other since Otakon, which was two years ago. I really missed hanging out with her and i really missed having a friend by my side. Ever since i moved to Florida, it's just been my mom and I. Not that i mind. I prefer it that way actually but her coming here reminded me how much i missed being around my friends. It's good once and awhile. Luecretia loved it here so much she wants to come back for our birthdays. I told her it's a plan! But so much for our plan to go to Vegas lol. We'll see what happens with that cause as much as i would love to go with her, i was hoping to go with someone else. But like i always say, whatevere happens, happens.

School starts on wednesday. Damn school. I'm not nervous at all but i am afraid of being late cause i don't know where my classes are. I mentioned this before, i believe. I told my mom to let's go check the school today, but we both being lazy. Plus we have to move into our new apartment. We recieved the keys yesterday. This week is going to be so busy! Finally! lol. Well that's all for today, i'm going to watch Buzzer Beat. I'm two episodes behind and Naoki just walked in on his slut of a girlfriend kissing that dude! I actually prefer yamapi to be with that other girl, damn, what's her name? Anyway, she's cute and they look good together. I hope they end of together in the end!

OK, so school starts Wednesday August 26 and my first class starts at 9am. I don't know how i'll wake up before 9 when i get up at 11 nowadays. My first two classes that day will be introduction to Business and Management. With the same professer, in the same room, for three hours. What the hell was i thinking when i picked up these classes? Lol. Well, it's alright. I hate traveling from class to class anyway so i'll just make the most of it.

I paid my bills as well as my tuition bill. So now all i have to do is wait til classes start. I don't know if i feel nervous, excited or happy. Maybe just a combination of them all is what i'm feeling everytime i think about starting school again. It's a wondeful feeling really. I will give it my all!

Just got back from driving. I love it!I t's so addicting! I get better everytime i'm behind the wheel. i wish i can drive everyday.........will take some convincing so we'll see how that goes ^^ I also got my iphone a couple days back. FINALLY!!! It's loooooong overdo but it was so worth the wait. I'm in love~

What else can i say........? I have to remember to pay for my tuition and i saw the campus yesterday. It was HUGE! It was very intimidating.....being without a car will prove to be a challenge. That's how big that school is. I just hope my classes are in the same damn building for the day cause i wouldn't know what to do. Walk in the heat of Florida???? I'll melt lol.

I been getting into the fanfic fandom again..........and boy do i miss it. I got so attached to dramas but now....late at night when you just feel bored with nothing to do....why don't you just read some good porn lol. (What did you think i was going to say, huh?!) Akame......new to me but i'm loving it so far. I can picture them together so perfectly it's kinda scary. Now i'm wondering if i can muster the courage to hunt some Ohmiya fics BUT..........i'm still new to Arashi, getting more into their songs and stuff and even tho i LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ohmiya......i can't yet read about em. Give me some time! お願いします!

Had an interesting conversation with someone who is dear to me.........she told me she was proud of me. I was telling her my plans and she said that's great. That she's proud of me! My heart swelled. I didn't know how to respond. So i said thank you, talking to you always makes me feel better. And that's the closest to the truth i can get with her. It's enough with what she said. It made me happy. HAPPY! I still can't believe that i can say that. it's like a dream really..........i hope i don't ever wake up if it is. ^__^

I wanted to make a post tomorrow but i cannot hold my anger in any longer and i need to vent.

I was watching the news.....spanish news and it came to my attention that some people don't want to support Juanes anymore just because he is going to perform in Cuba.  Now his so called fans are from Miami, therefore they are Cubans who left because of Castro. Now i understand they wouldn't want anything to do with Cuba as long as Castro still has his dictatorship there but that has nothing to do with Juanes. The man gotta make his money and he has fans there. So why should he deny his fans there who couldn't escape from Castro? It isn't his fault that Castro is sill in Cuba, nor can he change that fact. His 'fans' that don't wanna support him anymore just because he wants to perform there are not his fans. They are acting childish and by saying 'i don't wanna hear from Juanes ever again in my life' simply weren't his fans in the first place since they are so quick to not support him anymore. I love Juanes. His music i listen to on a regular basis and i don't give a rats ass where he performs, that will not change the fact that i'm his fan, who will support him no matter what.

Speaking of fans.............i have also learned recently that in Japan, when Kat-Tun's single of Lips came out last year, their fans refused to buy the single just because Kame had a solo in the beginning. Are you fucking kidding me? You call yourselves fans? A fan is someone who will support their band/artist no matter what they going thru and not turn their back on them. These people aren't fans. Just because kame had a solo, that doesn't mean you can't support Kat-Tun as a group. Believe or not he is one of the main vocalists. Get the fuck over it. People like that just piss me off. Just because I don't like Ueda, you think i wouldn't buy a single just because he has a solo in the beginning of a song? Yea right. I would still buy it regardless cause you know what? He's part of Kat-Tun and i will support them no matter who the fuck starts the song. I Like their music, and that's that. Regardless who sings first and shit. If you don't like the person, get the fuck over it. It's called being an adult. Now, i really didn't wanna bring up Mr. Brain but you know what? That was fucking ridiculus as well. So what if Kame had a role? That's going to make you not watch it? oh, please these people are acting so childish and i'm sick of it. He had a role because you know what? He's a damn good actor. He had a solo in the beginning of a song? He's a fucking good singer. Get over it people. I might be kame biased because he's the reason i got into Kat-Tun but i always. always think, when something like this happens, try to think like the people on the other side. But to me it's just childish and i can't see why the wouldn't support the drama. They are not fans.

This has nothing to do with so called fans, but since this has also been upsetting me, i will write it out.

I recently got into Tohoshiki. The korean band that sings in Japanese. Now JJ, JS and Mickey are filing for termination on their contract. It's sad that SM, their label, has been treating them like slaves. Their human beings who just so happen to be famous in Asia but that doesn't mean they don't need a break. And the money? Now im not sure about that but it seems to me like they haven't been getting paid like their suppose to? Jeez, they racking up so much money into SM, why can't they just give the boys what they want? They willing to lose them alltogether just because........of what? There's no reason to! It's crazy and sad and i hope the boys get what they been wanting all this time. To be treated like normal human beings. Cause that's what they are.

Now on a brighter note, i registered for classes yesterday so i am officially enrolled for the fall semester! I am taking four classes. All hard lol. At least the names alone is enough for me to get serious when classes start. I am striving to get an Honors diploma and i know it's tough but i will try my best! I am so happy. Happiness......is weird. I haven't known happiness in many, many yrs and here i am happy in just a few short weeks. This is the turning point in my life and i'm going to make the most of it!

I rarely have dreams with artists so i'm going to tell the dream i had last night with Akanishi Jin. I thought it was weird that i was dreaming about him......not that i minded but....he was the last person i thought i would dream about. But lemme just tell it.

I was invited to go back to my elemetary school, P.S. 62. They were participating in a play and they wanted me to be a part of it. So i went, sort of late and when i arrived, the play was already in full motion. Funny thing, there was no audience. We were just performing with the kids. I was asked to be a knight and so i got into the costume.

I don't remember when i noticed but Akanishi Jin was there.  Which was weird because obviously he never attended P.S. 62. I was surprised as hell. Why would he be in my old school of all places? Participating in a play with kids? The next thing i remember, we were on a break and i sat down next to this little girl who was singing 'Real Face'.  I started to sing along with her and i looked over to my left to find Jin seated a few feet away from me. I looked away smiling to myself and i stopped singing to ask the litlle girl a question.
"wow, so you like Kat-Tun"
"Yes"
"Did you know that Akanishi Jin is with us?"
"Yes"
"He's right there"
I point to my left and we both look to find him staring at us, grinning. We grin back at him and looked away to continue singing.

Next scene, the play is over and Jin was sitting with a bunch of other people my age in a small room. I quickly look into the room and i got the courage to go in and sit across from him. Some girl i don't know came into the room and sat on his lap. Which made me furious cause who is she to do that? There were no other chairs available but who cares? She could of stood standing. Another girl, who i knew, came in also and she looked around and asked to sit on my lap. I said fine as I really didn't care as i was concentrated on this rude girl who just sat on his lap. I thought he was too nice to say something to her. As the girl sat on my lap, Jin looked at me and smiled. I shrugged my shoulders and he did the same laughing. We didn't get to speak as a staff member came in to tell us we had to go to the kids and thank them for inviting us. So we all headed out and Jin was next to me the entire time as we walked out and down the hall into the gym. After we thanked the kids, a girl and i looked out the window to notice it was raining. Jin was standing by me when his phone rang. He walked away to take the call. He was saying where it was and that he'll be there soon. Jin comes over and stood between us and put one arm around the both of us. He said he had to go to a party but he had no shoes. We laughed at him and his phone rings again. He hands me his phone, takes off his jacket and i hand it back to him as he walked away. But not before i noticed it said Johnny san and i pressed talk. After a few moments he comes back between us putting his arm around each of us again. He mentioned he had no shoes again and the girl said Payless. I said it could be closed because it's past 11pm. I asked him where he was going and he told me to come along to the party. He had invited me! I was happy. The whole time he was there, i pressed my cheek against his and looked up slightly at him when i spoke so i could see his lips. He didn't seem to mind. In fact, his cheek was pressed against mine as well! He felt so soft......lols

His phone rings a third time and he walks away again and then some other girl comes asking if i wanted to go to a concert with her. I asked " who's playing?" She said Celine. I thought Celine Dion and immediately thought no way. But i told her i'll see and she left. Jin comes back and lookes at her saying "she's cute" I said, "Yea....." Then he said, "Ok. Gotta go" and he left in the direction of the exit. I hesitated before following him but when i went outside there was cops surrounding him! I yelled "What is this about?!" They said he was a pedophile. I shouted "Impossible!" They said they has been looking for him, for years. I looked at Jin, who looked so helpless and i yelled, "I'm Jin! Take me instead!" They looked at me, then looked at him and they uncoffed him. Jin shouted "No!" You're a girl!" "It's ok!" i said. "I'm tough!" I grabbed my sword and chopped off my hair. The cops seized my sword and handcuffed me. "It's ok," i told him smiling. He looked devasted as they threw me into the patrol van and locked my inside. I looked out the window as he stood frozen and then all of a sudden he shouted, "I can't let you do this!" And ran towards the van, to me. I woke up then, feeling i had rescued him! Hahahahahaha.

It was a funny dream and when i woke up i knew i had to write it all down before i forgot. But this is one of those dreams that i will never forget.

I Haven't posted in what seems like forever. Honestly.....i'm on LJ everyday but my life is just so boring lol. Boring but complicated and full of bullshit nonsense. So what made me update today? I just felt like typing everything out. As always things have not been going my way. But i'm slowly trying to fix that. I wanna mention of Katana......kosetsu is the name. It's a beautiful sword which i am in love with and i always have the urge to take it with me evrywhere i go lol. But i can't of course. It's on my mind everyday which seems like enough. I try to hold it everyday as well. May sounds weird but this sword is helping me out with something i'm going through in my life right now.....

I'm in New york and i wanna go back to school. I have already decided that i will enroll in Fall classes in Florida. I want to study in Finance. Let's hope that goes well *crosses fingers*

I also have the urge to get back into shape. So starting tomorrow, i'm going to run in the park again. I already looked up the weather and it's going to be extremly hot. I bought these new shorts in CHAMPS which i'm dying to wear and i'm going to get up real early in the morning and try to get it back into my regular routine.

Speaking of buying new stuff......i also bought this cute skirt and purple fishnet top that Nori chan suggested that i wear to the Hyde concert coming up. So i will wear that along with my boots, so the only thing i have to get now is stockings. And also buy the tickets of course lol.

We are not going to Japan no more this September.......besides us having no money, there's other things that have come across our way. I have waited this long to go so i know i can wait til next year when i know i will be going. I already got the signal lol. So now i will continue focusing on the job hunt and my job is to pay off all my debts so i can have a clear and stress free mind when i go to Japan. But for now, i will focus on the Hyde concert........................one step at a time. lol

I wanted to talk to someone...but truth is i honestly feel very alone. The one person i want to talk to. i think, doesn't wanna hear what i have to say. Another person i wanna tell hasn't seen me cry in years. I've been putting up a front since...since i've been back from Florida now that i think about it. I'm going back to Florida on the 12th of this month. Nori chan's bday...which im going to apologize again to her for missing her bday.

I've been holding my feelings inside for what seems like forever and i had to just let it all out cuz frankly i don't wanna cry. I've been strong enuff to hold it all in but im afraid one of these days i won't be able to anymore. So i decided to write here. I've been thinking why? Why do i feel this way? I don't have a job and i'm going crazy inside my house. Today is such a beautiful day and i wanna go out and just spend a day outside. But i have no money to just get on the train and walk around Manhattan. That just makes me more depressed. Last night i figured something else to my problem. That i thought was long buried but it seems it's not so. I haven't admitted it to myself yet so i don't wanna say it here.

September..........................the month that we planning on going to Japan. We want to make it to Gazette's last live. That is the only lil light inside me now cuz i don't know what else to hold on to. Going to Florida soon is going to make me happy i know it. So i'm going to be strong til the day i fly out and i can enjoy life again.

Konban wa,

I woke up this morning feeling terrible. Mentally. I was ready to be depressive all day...but i replied back to someone who.....i care about very much and the person relied back much to my surprise. We didn't talk much but those few moments made me feel like my old self. Much to my disappointment because i don't like having these feelings. Anyway, point being i got on my laptop and i applied to 4 jobs. I won't give up this job hunting because frankly i'm going insane staying home all the time. My friend Erika invited me to go clubbing this friday. Now i ain't no party person but it's going to be a gay club. Which i would go glady to. lolz. I've been wanting to go to a gay club ever since i saw Queer as Folk. So i think i will go. Get a chance to get the hell outta the house and maybe it will do me some good.

Til next time............Jaa ne

I don't wanna sound selfish or conceited...but i've been called beautiful, pretty, cute, sexy....by many people including the people i have gone out with. But this one time really stuck in my mind. This happened about a year ago. I got off the train and was walking towards my house. This guy taps me from behind and i stop and take off my headphones to listen to what he had to say. He told me i was very beautiful and he wanted to talk to me. I have never been approuched like that before so i told him thank you and that i was late to someone's house. I apologized to him. and continued on my way home. This is the best compliment i ever received because it was from a complete stranger and to this day it still leaves a big impact on me.